Go Badgers!

Two of my friends and I cheering on
 the Badgers at their home opener

Two football games in, and we've outscored our opponents 93-0. What a start! Because I was lucky enough to get season tickets this year, I've been to both games (which were very very hot). It's always electrifying to be in Camp Randall on game day, and these days were no different. The singing of Varsity at the beginning and end of the game is always enough to give me chills.

Hanging out at the Union

Unfortunately, however, I've had a bit of a rough start otherwise. I've had good moments, and made good memories, but I feel like I just have this curtain of doubt and unhappiness that I keep falling back on. I'm struggling with my faith and with my friendships and overall trust - in God, in my friends and in myself. I'm very seriously doubting my ability to lead a Bible Study this year, as I'm already finding myself dreading all things involved with that commitment.

Last night, I was talking to a close friend of mine about all of this - something I find incredibly difficult. It's hard for me to acknowledge my struggles and talk openly about things I'm having a difficult time with. I feel like I am a burden to my friends and that I'm relying on them to fix problems that are not at all their responsibility or obligation to deal with. Of course, they claim that it's not a problem, but I can't help but feel guilty.

I'm doubting my faith, something I've never really dealt with before, and because so many people see me as being so confident in Christ, I'm not sure who to turn to. Tomorrow afternoon I'll meet with my co-leader for bible study, and I'm praying for the courage, strength, and honesty to tell her all of this, but I'm just not sure that I can. If any or all of you could say a prayer for me, I'd appreciate it greatly. I know that God allows us to struggle in our lives and it can help us to grow, but right now I'm just feeling like I'm suffocating.

Classes have started, work has started, I'm pushing away my friends, and I'm doubting my faith. Things are crashing in on me, and I'm struggling for the strength to keep moving forward. I need to cling fast to my life motto - "Life goes on."

I'm thankful for supportive friends and family and all of the blessings I've been given in my life - I pray that you are feeling loved and blessed in your own life, too!

On an upswing!

First of all, my boss' water problem has officially been solved! After 12 days, and 1.5 million gallons of water later, it has been stopped! Things at work have somewhat (cautiously) returned to normal - and today I even programmed a little bit on my own.

As I mentioned before, this past weekend was the year-end soccer tournament, and it's always fun to see my fellow referees, as our paths don't usually cross for more than an a game - but at the tournament, we get to hang out for more of an extended time. I'm really excited, though, because I have plans to hang out with one of the refs I get along with really well next week. And alright alright - he's a boy, but that actually brings me to my next topic for this post.

A few weeks ago, I decided that for an undetermined amount of time - but at least for the remainder of the summer - I will not worry about, think about, nor pursue a romantic relationship of any kind. I'm excited to pursue God more fully, and develop friendships with some men in my life without putting any pressure on them, or myself, to be anything more. Knowing that even if a romantic opportunity came up, I would just not pursue it because of this decision is very freeing. I'm always worried about if someone's interested or not - so I've been actively trying to rid myself of this worry. I'm fully letting God take over.

Don't get me wrong - none of this is easy. As a human, I am driven to want to fulfill my desires with worldly things - whether people or things or careers. But I'm trying hard!

Sweet, dreaded summertime.

Well, if I had to pick one word to describe this past week, it would be rough. Since I last posted, I got a job (one of those opportunities that happened moments after turning down the camp counselor offer) and worked the entire week. It was exhausting, I was miserable. I'm not exactly sure why, because the job itself is a good opportunity, working with good people. Basically, I'm learning a computer programming language through hands-on experience. It's about 30 hours a week, but then on average, I ref three nights a week as well, so by the end of the day, I'm both physically and mentally exhausted. What I hate the most, however, is the feeling of having no time.. or, rather, the pressure to make the free time I do have count. For example, this weekend - finally two days off - I feel like I should be doing something really exciting with them and using them to the max. In other words, I detest the overwhelming pressure I feel to "make weekends count." It's only the middle of Saturday afternoon, and I'm already dreading the next week. The dread of the week to come is both taking over the time I have off and making me feel intense pressure to enjoy this time. I'm so stressed and irritable.

I went from having the entire summer to myself, able to just fill a day with an adventure if I wanted, to having no time..and anything I want to do has to be planned way in advance. I'm not a fan.

So, I know I should be trying to be positive about this and try to make the most out of my summer, but I'm really struggling. I'm not happy with where I'm at, but I don't really see a way out. Everyday I regret not going to the camp. There, I would be with other counselors my own age, truly impacting kids in God's will. I'm struggling to see how God can use me in the situation I'm in, but I'm going to do my best to trust that he can.

On an entirely different note, I've been thinking a lot about romantic relationships right now - pursuing them, not pursuing them, potential people I want to end up with - a lot running through my mind. But just this morning, I saw a picture of a couple who's been together for over 60 years. I would love to find my soulmate and spend over 60 years with him. Isn't that the dream of most girls and women? But sometimes I think we are so rushed to find our future spouse, that we try so hard to make the "wrong" person work. Maybe the guy I've been crushing on IS my future husband...most likely, he's not...but either way, why should I be worried about making him like me? I want my husband to be totally in love with me and excited to spend the rest of our lives together, pursuing God, and creating a family..if I have to try to make someone like me now, would not the rest of my life be spent in constant doubt wondering if my husband truly loves me? That sounds miserable. So, I'm not saying it's wrong to pursue a relationship..but I also think we spend too much time worrying about whether or not it's going to work out. Stop worrying and let God take over. I'm trusting in him to lead me to my other half. He knows way better than I do.. so why should I worry?

Decisions, decisions.

While deciding whether or not I wanted to give up my entire summer to work at a Christian summer camp, I had reached out to several family members and close friends asking their opinions and thoughts. Overwhelmingly, I would say, the response was that I should take the risk and go. I had reconciled my fears with this decision and even directly told several of my friends, "if they offer me the job, I'm going, no matter how scary it is." As I am somewhat infamous for my inability to hold a decision, I also told each not to let me change my mind. Well, yesterday when I was officially offered the position of overnight camp counselor, I turned it down.

Why?, you might ask. Well, the only thing I had planned for the summer was refereeing soccer for the local youth league. I had committed to reffing a ton of games this summer, and as a high-level official, it would be nearly impossible for my reffing coordinator to find enough subs to cover the 23 games I have left. Additionally, as many of those close to me know, I value promises and commitments very highly. While I hadn't promised the league anything, I had made a commitment to them and felt very uneasy about breaking this commitment. In my mind, this was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made. Because I aim to act as Christ wants me to, I recognized that I had a responsibility to honor commitments I made first. At the same time, however, I thought God wanted me to give my summer to him through working at the summer camp. After much prayer, deliberation, and frustration, I decided to turn down the position.

My crazy broski - whom I'll be able to spend more time with this summer!
(and my mom peeking up in the corner)

As a whole, this decision reflects my greater philosophy: as a Christian, I am called to serve God. While giving up my control to him and letting him direct my time is crucial, doing so is meaningless unless we strive to make our everyday actions reflect Christ's love. While going to the camp would have been of direct service to God, breaking previous commitments would not reflect my hope to live a life as Christ did.

As I hung up the phone after declining the offer, I admit I was still torn - unsure if I had made the right decision. I can say, however, that, after I receiving two different emails within an hour of this decision about potential summer internships around the area, I know in my heart God commended me for my decision. Once again, I am still learning about letting go of my own plans for the summer and giving control to God. Just when I thought I knew what was right for me, He showed me that His plan is far larger and greater than anything I could come up with on my own.

Finally, as one of my close friends told me while I was deciding, "Whatever decision you make will be the right one. Trust in God, and you'll choose the right one." She's right, so if you're facing a difficult choice, be confident that through prayer, you are sure to choose correctly!

-Theresa

Losing Control

For my first week without a consistent job, I've sure been keeping busy! Yesterday and today, I've spent some time going through papers and schoolwork from the past two years, which has been a more moving experience that I thought it would be. It's amazing what self-reflection and little notes and doodles from months past can show about oneself. Several of these notes in the margins of notebooks or in my daily planner are about struggles I was facing...what seemed so important and life-changing at that point of time doesn't even cross today's mind. It was a perfect reminder to keep things in perspective. Yes, of course the daily decisions matter because they all add up to mold the life we lead, but we must remember that one of these decisions alone does not dictate our future.

As I've mentioned before, it seems that all of the plans I've created for myself for the summer just keep falling through. Three different potential job opportunities, two different mission trips..the list goes on. But, in bigger news, these have helped me to see what I believe is the beginning of my testimony. I have yet to sit down and write it out, but I think it's in the works - and I think it's about giving up control over my life to God. I'm now looking at an opportunity to be a counselor at a Christian camp this summer. It's a long shot, but I'm beginning to be comfortable with trusting God. If it's meant to work out, it will. And if not, then God has yet a better plan for me.

Finally, I haven't run as much as I had hoped I would in the first two weeks of my summer, but I'm still aiming for my goal of 200 miles..5.8 down!

-Theresa